Today, I completed my first flight with Malaysia Airlines. They’re supposedly one of the few 4 star airlines in the world. They definitely rank way up there as far as comfort goes.

For example, I needed to “take care of business” before heading off on the 21 hour flight (1 hour refueling in Stockholm) from Newark to Kuala Lumpur. As the rest of the passengers were boarding I helped myself to the clean and large bathroom in the front of the plane. I could stand straight up and turn around without touching anything. There were orchids by the sink and they even had a sanitary seat cover on the toilet to let you know all was clean.

So, I sit down, and to my surprise, the flight attendants had laced the seat with ice cubes. My cheeks puckered and stopped natures process. After the shock settled, I looked left only to be blinded by my white flesh beaming in the full length mirror. Fortunately, my other organs relaxed since the sensations now changed from butt to blurry vision and everything came out just fine.

Business finished, I put my hands in the large sink with a spigot that actually reaches out far enough to get my hands wet - yippee! I push the button and it proceeds to spit at me at nearly the speed of light and ricochets off my hands to my shirt and slacks. Crap!

Now cleaned up and back to my seat a flight attendant with a pleasant smile offers a glass of champagne. Haha… No thanks - I’m not falling for another one. I’m starting to catch on to their little tricks. They just need to remember that payback is hell…